Harmful and helpful reactions

The following table presents the harmful and helpful reactions you can have when someone is telling you about a sexual assault they experienced. Harmful reactions can cause additional suffering and frustration, discouraging the victim from confiding in anyone at all. Helpful reactions, on the contrary, can have extremely beneficial effects and play an important role in the healing process.

Harmful reactions	Helpful reactions
Judging Asking the victim tactless questions, trying to find out more details, talking non-stop	Listening without judging, letting the victim express herself Let the victim tell the story in her own words, in her own way and at her own rhythm. Listen without passing judgement.
Doubting Being sceptical, questioning what the victims is telling you	Believing and respecting the victim Believe what the victim is telling you: it is her experience and her perception of it. Focus on what she is saying and feeling.
Trivializing, minimizing or playing down the events Making light of the assault, minimizing the consequences and the victim's emotions and reactions.	Hearing and accepting Hear what the victim is saying without minimizing or exaggerating the facts, emotions and consequences.
Emphasizing her weakness or what she could have done Telling her what she could have said or done: that she shouldn't have been walking alone late at night, for example	Focusing on her strength Point out everything the victim “did right.” Recognize her strength and courage in talking about the assault.
Ignoring or evading the issue Ignoring the victim's plea for help, refusing to get “mixed up” in her story under the pretext that it doesn't concern you, it's not your problem, or that you're not qualified to deal with it	Assuring her of your support and availability Be available to listen to or provide support for the victim. If you feel unable to help, it is important to say so, but you can still help and support her in her search for another person or resource that is better qualified.
Blaming, accusing, making the victim feel guilty Blaming the victim for what she didn't do or could have done, or implying that she must have “led on” the attacker and is somehow responsible for what happened to her	Alleviating her guilt, identifying her needs Help the victim understand that it is not her fault she was sexually assaulted, that her assailant was entirely responsible for his actions. Her only responsibility is to look after herself.
Overprotecting Smothering or overprotecting the victim by preventing her from going out, seeing friends or sleeping away from home	Encouraging her independence and social contacts Help the victim regain power over her own life with your support. Give her room to breathe and return to her usual level of functioning.
Urging the victim to put the experience behind her Preventing the victim from expressing her negative emotions, claiming that it is unhealthy to live in the past	Validating her emotions and feelings Help the victim express her feelings by acknowledging that her reactions, emotions and feelings (anger, resentment, guilt and worthlessness) are normal. Let her take the time she needs to heal and support her reactions in the short, medium and long term.

Did you know ?

Deciding to talk about a sexual attack is the result of a long process and must not be taken lightly. In fact, fewer than one attack out of every 10 is reported to the police.* The percentage of attacks revealed to a family member, close friend or counsellor in the community or health and social services network, however, is much higher.

* Sexual Assault in Canada, 2004 and 2007, Shannon Brennan and Andrea Taylor-Butts, 2008.

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